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Dating over the last year has been hard, period. As bars and restaurants closed, singles flocked to parks to see if their dating app crush could be the one. In 2021 there are no dating rules and it’s usually the best policy to follow your gut but when should you stop dating multiple people?Dating two people at once can get really messy, especially when feelings are involved. I asked the experts for some advice.

Dating over the last year has been hard, period. As bars and restaurants closed, singles flocked to parks to see if their dating app crush could be the one. Aside from the added complications caused by coronavirus, there are other dating dilemmas to deal with. One that can be tricky to manage is when should you stop dating multiple people?I asked the experts for some advice.

It’s pretty normal to speak to a few people at one time if you’re single. Hell, you may even be organised enough to go on multiple first dates in one go. Whatever kind of relationship you're looking for, apps have opened up endless possibilities and in the past year they have been one of the few ways to meet new people and make new connections. But if you’ve found someone during lockdown once you’ve found someone you like, when should you cut the others out?

Dating Multiple People: The Pros

Research reported by the BBC highlighted that singles had more to consider over the last year when it comes to meeting up with people and it’s changed people’s attitudes towards casual dating. Dating and relationships coach Annie Lavin also told the Irish Times that she’s witnessed many people skipping past those early stages of flirtation on dating multiple people and moving into relationship status very quickly. But online dating expert Benjamin Daly believes, so long as you’re being safe, it’s good to date around.

“It’s similar to finding a job – you’re putting yourself out there, seeing what’s available, until you eventually find someone or something worth committing to,” Daly tells me. For him, it's all about efficiency: “The dating cycle from matching to chatting to the first date and even second date can take up to a month. If you realise by the second date that you’re not compatible, you’ve invested a lot of time and will have to start again. That isn’t an efficient use of time.”

Behavourial psychologist Jo Hemmings agrees that dating around is a good idea, but for a slightly different reason. 'It’s using it as an opportunity to not only find someone who feels right for us, but also as a way of learning something about ourselves and our own wants and needs,” she explains.

Dating Multiple People: The Cons

However, not all experts are in agreement. Sex and relationship expert Gillian Myhill, for example, believes that, if you're sharing your time out, 'it can be difficult to know who is the right person.' Myhill explains: 'Speaking from my own experience, I would say that it certainly does slow the progression down.'

It’s good to know all your options but the grass isn’t always greener. Just because you can date multiple people for a prolonged period of time doesn’t mean you should. Psychosexual and Relationship Therapist and Psycho-Sexologist Kate Moyle notes that communication breakdown can be a major issue. 'Problems occur when one partner is under the impression you're just dating each other and this is where the biggest amount of upset occurs. You need to make sure that you're all on the same page,” she says.

Moyle also tells me there can be more than emotional problems to contend with when you’re being intimate with multiple people. She explains: “if you're having sex with multiple partners then contraception that protects against STIs is essential as they can easily be transmitted between partners.”

When Is A Good Time To Become Exclusive?

If you’re ready to settle with one person, it’s no small matter of working out if they want the same thing. But Myhill says conversation is key. “As both partners become more serious about each other, this is typically around the three month mark, the conversation should be had – at that point both partners should agree to the type of relationship they are seeking from each other,” she tells me.

If you’ve dated someone for three months you usually know whether you're into them, but as Moyle explains, issues can still arise. “There’s a trigger or fear of loss of a relationship which means that a partner will throw themselves into committing to it fully. Some relationships are open to having multiple partners and work well this way, but they work with organisation and rules,' she says.

The reality is, while three months may be long enough to know you like someone, if it takes you a longer or shorter period of time to get there then that's totally fine. There's no set-in-stone rules in modern dating.

How To Ask A Partner To Be Exclusive

Once you’ve sorted things out with the other people you’re dating, it's time to tell your SO. But going exclusive is a two way conversation – it only works if your partner feels the same. If they’re not quite ready to quit the dating game Moyle says, “you have to make a decision about whether this is acceptable for you or not. It's about the rules and boundaries that you set between you.”

While dating in 2021 means doing things your way it also means there’s no cut and dry time to make things exclusive with someone. However, if you start to get the fear that being without them would suck then it’s probably time to have a conversation about your feelings.

And How To Let Other Partners Know It's Over

While the very nature of seeing multiple people means there’s more people to check in with, ghosting is still not polite. You may have decided to see one or more people exclusively but that doesn’t mean that you should drop out of your other dates lives with no explanation. “We live in a world of online dating and most people out there have received 'hey how are you' messages from previous matches long after the time of completion. I think it’s important to update people,” says Myhill.

“Be polite and respectful when ending it with others,” adds Daly, “if you haven’t made any commitments [...] you’ve done nothing wrong calling off.”

Dating is hard. People send confusing signals sometimes, and it’s difficult to find someone who’s on the same page as you are — someone who wants the same things you want. You say these things and more when your parents ask you why you’re “still” single, but they don’t seem to understand. And honestly? Neither do you! You’re great and you know it! But if you haven’t had much luck in the dating game for whatever reason, and you want to meet someone, consider hopping into the dating app game. If it’s your first time using dating apps, don’t freak out! It’s totally normal to be a little bit nervous. But there’s a first time for everything, and once you get over the initial jump in, it’s smooth sailing (or swiping) from there.

Here are a few things I wish I knew before I started swiping on dating apps (a long, long time ago.) I was a little skeptical at first. It took a lot of convincing from my friends in college to actually get me to download them, but I’ve learned so much. It’s a process, but it’s a fun way to get to know people, and you might very well find “the one” along the way. Keep these things in mind before you hit “Download,” and happy matching!

Your profile is being distributed among thousands and thousands of users. A lot of people are looking at your pictures and bio, so you’re most likely bound to get several matches if you’re constantly swiping. The amount will probably decrease as you yourself start swiping less too, but still. Hundreds of people think you’re a cutie, and they want to talk to you! It’s OK to feel good about it. It might even feel a little addicting at first! But no matter how great you feel about your matches, it’s important to remember that your “attractiveness” isn’t just superficial, and it’s definitely not tied to the amount of matches you get. People don’t get the entire picture of who you are just by looking at your dating app profile, so don’t let your amount of matches get to your head (or get you down)!

Unfortunately, not everyone we like likes us back. That’s just life, man. There’s a 99 percent chance you won’t even remember who didn’t “like” you back because you’re seeing so many people on the app anyway, so don’t fret. If you don’t match with one hottie, you will probably match with the next one.

You won’t like everyone you see, either. Dating apps aren’t a mystical paradise abundant with models. There are real people looking for real relationships (or situationships). Take the time to read people’s bios, their information, and learn a little bit about them before deciding which way to swipe. What you read might impact you even more than what you see.

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Not everyone on dating apps wants a full-blown, exclusive relationship. I once dated a guy for months before he told me he didn't want anything 'too serious,' which I thought we basically were already doing! I would've liked for him to have told me how he was feeling from the very start of our situationship. When someone is open and honest with you from the beginning, believe them! Don't think that they'll suddenly change their mind, because even though that's always a possibility, it's never a guarantee. Take what they say at face value, whether it's right in their bio, or within the first few minutes of your chat.

Some people are more suave than others, so do not be surprised if one match sweeps you off your feet, and the next one seriously underwhelms you with their pick-up line. Dating apps are an unpredictable way of dating. You never know whom you’re going to find and what their style is going to be.

Swiping in your hometown? There’s a very good chance you will run into people you went to high school with on dating apps. Even at huge colleges, you could easily match with someone in your class. It doesn’t have to be awkward if you don’t make it awkward! Act natural and ignore it. The person on the other side is probably equally mortified, and if they call you out on it IRL, laugh it off! They’re using apps just as much as you are, and it’s nothing to be ashamed of.

Another unfortunate situation? Running into your friends’ partners or exes on the apps. It doesn’t always happen, but when it does, use your best judgement. If the person you see on an app is seriously dating someone you’re close to, it may be best to gently break it to your friend. If you run into someone who’s technically dating someone you don’t really know that well, you might just want to move on and stay out of it. Follow your gut, and you’ll know what feels right. This is never a fun decision, but only you know what’s best in these situations, depending on your relationships with everyone involved.

If someone is a jerk on a dating app, block them! It’s not “mean” or “rude.” It’s you doing what you have to do to ensure you have a safe and enjoyable experience on a dating app. Plain and simple! Many apps have strict no-tolerance policies about harassment and unsolicited photos. So strict, in fact, that you can even flag them or report them. If it feels like the right thing to do, do it! You might be helping the next person in their path to avoid same yucky situation.

I’ve been on several first dates with guys from dating apps, and I can say I’ve never really had a bad experience. Most (if not all) of the people I’ve met are respectful, nice, and considerate. I gauge their online personalities very thoroughly before meeting up with them IRL. I look them up on social media, see if we have any mutual friends, and ask said mutual friends how they know the person and what they’re really like. If someone asks me out on a date, and I don’t feel comfortable just yet, I have no qualms about saying, “Not just yet, thank you!” or “I’m actually super busy this weekend,” and taking the next week to keep the conversation going and learning more about them.

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As the wise queen Beyoncé once said in 2006’s 'Irreplaceable,' “I can have another you in a minute.” This is particularly true of dating apps.

Do whatever makes you comfortable, swipe for as long as you want, and if one match doesn’t work out, that’s OK. Don’t you ever, for a second, get to thinking they’re irreplaceable.

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